I have a story. A story that involves a cup of tea and simple act of kindness. A story that offers love in its purest form - a story that is generous of heart.
You might have noticed in my posts over the last year especially since breaking my wrist, I have been moving through another phase of my personal soul growth as I face challenges in and around ‘fear of the unknown’ and more recently germs and human contact triggered by the current environment.
These fears, and my wrist break have been external representations of things that needed to heal in me on a soul-level, and although I’ve been brought to my knees often, I am grateful because I know I have been given an opportunity in these moments...an opportunity to find awareness, heal and grow if I choose to. I look at these opportunities as emotional sign posts that show me the way through held pain, so I can experience more personal peace every time I release.
It’s the only way I choose to look at it.
In my life long pursuit of soul-growth I recently began a 7 week Chakra cleanse and alignment online course facilitated by my friend and Healer @kerrylouisebrown.activator - it’s been quite phenomenal. Not easy, but phenomenal, much like birth. My biggest Chakra releases have been the Third Eye, Sacral and now I’m in the middle of a Root Chakra awakening...some days this week I have felt like I'm in a raging storm...weathering everything with the only shelter being in the arms of my Warrior husband, Brent who sometimes just holds me in his big arms without words. This journey is my own.
Saturday was one of my most challenging. Releasing sexual abuse is no mean feat. (I am sending energetic love right now to anyone who was triggered by that last phrase). But it must be spoken about. Breathe here and don’t stop reading.
I saw Kerry at our sons soccer game, as I usually do. These days I don’t get out of my car to watch and she knows I need physical space right now, so we exchanged a wave. I would do anything for my children, it’s why I was even there, watching their game, however in truth I was in all sorts of emotional pain. So much releasing, so much vulnerability, like the child I was...afraid and hyper-vigilant.
Only moments prior I experienced a PTSD moment in the service station just before heading off to the game, so I knew where I was at that day and I prayed I wouldn’t have any other human interaction until I got to the safety of home, after the game.
These PTSD moments are very blank for me as they are for many others, and I describe them like being in a fog where I can’t see anything in front, behind or beside me - I am alone and my hands are outstretched, reaching and groping for something anything, to anchor me to safety. Time seems to slow or stand still.
I saw Kerry coming towards the car with two cups of tea in her hands so you can imagine what happened for me...I froze, with a million germ-oriented thoughts going through my head, along with knowing I just couldn't face anyone in this state...every cell in my body was feeling trapped in my car and screaming for help from an enemy that is no longer there. In fact it was a friend delivering me a tea (in clean cups that were hers I might add! They weren't from the canteen or any other unknown source! I have to smile here).
This is PTSD. It brings the old trauma, into the very real now. But every time it does, I see it as an opportunity to 'go there' and heal. I now see it for what it is with a willingness to heal.
Kerry's first words were "Would you like a tea or are you feeling concerned about the germs?"...she knew, of course! She is a Healer and she just knows stuff. I looked at her outstretched hand and time slowed down a little as I pondered whether to take that cup into mine. I looked at her angelic energy, her smile and I knew I was safe in that moment, so I took the cup. She smiled and said nice things (of which I can't recall but they made me feel good) and left saying she would return to get the cup after the game. I looked at that cup of tea in my hands for about five minutes wondering if I was actually going to sip it, or just tip it out onto the road? I decided it was OK to sip that tea and I did.
I realised that cup of tea had so much more in its arrival than just warmth...it was like a hug, and it was like being held and being told I am OK, safe and unjudged in my social awkwardness.
Kerry came back to collect her cup. It was empty and I felt proud. I hugged her for a long time at my car door, releasing and crying through a moment that is usually very solitary for me. She allowed me to be exactly who I was, which assisted me in I sharing and releasing so much more pain, simply because I was seen and held. Hugging her in that moment was like hugging Grandmother-tree...wise, old and solid. Thank you.
I have been releasing these layers of trauma for years. I never know when it might ease or end, but I do know that I am 'doing the work'. I trust that each time I release I am edging toward more clarity, personal peace and an opportunity to share my experiences and connect with others who might feel the same way. Shining light if I can.
I am not broken.
I am a beautiful, sensitive soul bravely standing in strong winds and fierce storms because I know I am more than my experiences.
My commitment to my own growth is not just for me. I feel part of my purpose is to turn these personal difficult times into easy to understand, hopeful offerings, that hopefully shine a little light on the parts of life we get 'stuck' in. We are meant to shine our lights brightly, to flourish not fail. Never give up.
These writings in my social media and blog posts are for anyone that needs to read them. You are reading this for a reason and I am glad you are here.
Written in vulnerability and bravery for everyone's highest good.
Thank you for reading, Stephie.